Yesterday night a memory was triggered.
An awful, awful memory that I would’ve loved to have just forgotten along with all the other memories I’d forgotten in my life.
The unit’s mother (the unit being the body I reside in) was on the phone with the unit’s sister, and during their talk, I heard the unit’s mother say “get on your knees”. A wave of memories washed over my poor little mind, of my brother by the name Edward, who raped me when I was only six or seven.
My panic attack wasn’t too bad, and I was calming down had the unit’s mother not started yelling at me and triggering me even more. And before she left, she shut the lights off on me.
She left the house, and I started frantically crying and panicking, until Ciel started singing to me. He told me to turn the lights on, and then continued to help me by sending me things to draw on and singing to me.
The dark is my mortal enemy. I used to not be afraid of the dark, or the night, but with my trauma… every time I’ve been raped, it was dark. So I associate darkness with my trauma. And it was bad.
But I wasn’t as affected by the dark until I remembered Naberius (but you all better know him as Sebastian).
I’m still not exactly sure how I had came to him. I think after I had died I was in Hell for a significant time, in his castle of madness. He captured me and wiped my memories so that I’d never leave his side, he called me his princess (I can’t be called ‘princess’ anymore). I was his personal slave, a guard dog, a sex toy. His little maid who didn’t know any better.
Soon enough, I met this little girl, her name was Lily. She was… beautiful. She radiated like she was the sun, and I knew immediately that she needed to get out of there, that I needed to free her. Because anywhere else was better than this place, where her light would be snuffed out over and over like mine had.
I’d spend my days sewing dresses for her from sheets I’d stolen, braiding and playing with her hair, and then early in the mornings when the beast slumbered, I’d try to sneak her out. The first time we had gotten so close, but the sun was setting and the red filtered light from the windows began dying, so I stuffed Lily into a small space (she was very tiny) and took the punishment.
To punish me, he’d rape me. And while he was raping me, I would remember who I really was, and the effect was…so much worse. And after raping me, he’d lock me in a small black room with no light and no colour, and no space to move.
One time I pleaded to be let out, and when he did, I attacked him, and he pinned me on top of him and forced me up and down his disgusting length.
But I still tried to help Lily escape. If he did all that to me, imagine what he’d do to the girl who shone like the sun.
One day, we reached the outside. I pushed her outside, because Naberius was coming. But instead of running, she twisted, pushed me outside, and went back inside. She told me to run, to go and finish my story. I never saw her again, and I ran, I ran like my name was Finnian.
Freedom was abnormally bittersweet.